Ah Bistro

Michael Whiner, semi-retired film maker, part-time restaurant critic, full time loud-mouth and the enfant-terrible of the British film industry; chews over the week's events.

This week Michael pays a visit to Ah Bistro, the small eatery owned by award-winning chef Marian Farian. The food is a fusion of classic and modern haute cuisine. The ambiance at Ah Bistro is always intimate and relaxed.

However, much of that will be lost on Michael, who as usual, is already in full flow…

"Salmon Mousse? That's a blast from the past. Have I accidentally been transported back to the seventies? Good lord, you'll be offering me a drink from a Party Seven next. What's for pudding? Rowntrees Jelly drizzled with Tizer and sprinkled with Spangles? Actually, now I come to think about it that sounds rather good.

If sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, then surely reality television is the lowest form of that particular medium? It has been since 'Kilroy' was cancelled anyway. So it was with a heavy heart that I read that Steven Spielberg is about to bring the worlds of filmmaking and reality television together in a programme entitled 'On The Lot'.

The idea behind this particular programme is that each week the contestants are split up into teams and will have seven days to make a short film in a specific genre. The resulting films will be judged by a studio audience and a panel of experts. One person from the team judged to have made the worst film will then be fired. The winner of the whole farrago will get a contract with a Hollywood studio.

Now call me Old Mr Cynical from Cynicaltown in the county of Cynicalshire but doesn't that ever so slightly familiar? Isn't that just 'The Apprentice' with the word "business" tipex-ed out and "film making" rather crudely added in felt tip? Well, seeing as both series are made by Mark Burnett Productions then it appears that's exactly what's happened.

I hope the selection process for the contestants is slightly more rigorous then that for 'The Apprentice' because if the people who take part in that are the best business brains in the country then I'm a clean living, teetotaller! I can't help but feel slightly dismayed that Spielberg has got involved with this project on the grounds that it will help discover new talent. Anybody who has ever watched one of these so-called "reality" shows will be only too painfully aware that talent is usually left at the door and replaced with rampant bullshitters and rampaging egos. Still, they should fit in very well in Hollywood eh?

No! No! No! I ordered a Steak and Kidney Pudding this is clearly a Steak and Kidney PIE! The former should have a suet covering not a flaky pastry crust! Standards, my dear. Standards!

Speaking of mistaken identities, I was astonished this week to catch sight of the headline, "Gwyneth Palrow Gives Birth to Moses". At first I assumed that there had been some sort of clerical error with regards to The Second Coming and that the wrong person had been selected for resurrection. It turns out that it's just another stupid celebrity giving their poor unfortunate child an equally stupid name. Paltrow has form in this arena having already named her daughter Apple. All I can say is that it's a good job they aren’t planning to send them to their local comprehensive, as I fear they would emerge, bullied and battered, with severe psychological problems.

Ah. Wait. They're the children of celebrities aren't they? In that case the psychological problems are virtually guaranteed - loopy names or not.

Waiter! Another Scotch if you will!"

Cheers,

Michael