From the vault... The Reverend Aloysius Tork: The Lord's Critic

"The Love Bug features a car that comes to life. Is it powered by the love of Jesus Christ? We aren't offered any evidence that this is the case so we must, unfortunately, assume that it is in fact animated purely by the power of the Lord of Darkness. I still feel an urge to pray whenever I see a Volkswagen Beetle."

Watching4Jesus.com is a website run by the Divine Church of Holy Intervention in Alabama, Texas. It aims to provide a method whereby films are rated and classified from a Fundamentalist Christian perspective.

As Netribution begins to republish treats from the Carnal Cinema archive, newly accompanied with cartoons from Eric Dubois, we're proud to reprint Dr Andrew's 2002 'interview' with the outfit's spokesman, the Reverend Aloysius Tork.

Reverend Tork, thank you for agreeing to talk to me.
Bless you my son. May God grant you all that you desire.

Watching4Jesus.com says that it aims to provide ‘true and honest information as to the content of motion pictures’. What is it that you provide that current systems of classification don’t?
The current classifications are totally inadequate. So-called ‘family films’ can contain such spectacles of moral and spiritual corruption that it’s scarcely believable. We try to give people more accurate information as to what these films may contain.

I can’t think of ‘family’ film that could match up with what you are describing…
My son, I see disbelief in your eyes. Can I tell you a story?

Please do.
Sometime ago I took my two nieces, Latysha and Tanysha to the local movie house. The film we were going to see was classified as a U certificate. According to the law anybody could go and see this film. Children were allowed in unaccompanied.

The movie house was packed. The lights went down. For the next two hours, as the Lord is my witness, we were subjected to the most vile form of blasphemy it has been my misfortune to witness. How anybody could commit those abominable images to celluloid is quite beyond my comprehension. Afterwards we had to go and pray for 48 hours solid, lest our souls be tainted by the touch of Satan.

I almost hesitate to ask but what was this film?
ET: The Extra-Terrestrial. The very words haunt me to this day.

ET?!
That is correct. May Mr Spielberg receive his true punishment for his sins.

I’m sorry but how on Earth can ET be seen as blasphemous?
My brother, it’s a clear depiction of the life of Jesus Christ. The central character is sent down from above. He is misunderstood by those around him. He can perform miracles and heal the sick. We even see him die, only to rise again. Finally, he returns back to where he came from. What else is it but the story of Christ? But here he’s portrayed as a hideous little brown dwarf with long arms and an extendible neck. I cannot conceive of how anybody would wish to be associated with such a tawdry film. I haven’t been so disturbed since Max Von Sydow played Jesus with a Swedish accent in Son of God.

Mmm. I’ve been having a look at some of the reviews on your site. Some of them are rather controversial aren’t they? For example you describe The Sound of Music as "pure filth".
And so it is.

How exactly?
Firstly it depicts a nun about to devote her life to serve the Lord. But what happens? She turns her back on Christ in favour of her wanton lust for Christopher Plummer and devotes her life to sin instead. Look at how many children there are in the Von Trapp household. The place is swarming with them. It’s a temple of fornication. When Julie Andrews sings about her "favourite things" one of the items mentioned is "brown paper packages tied up with string". But what is in those packages? We never find out, but I bet they are bursting with sin and corruption!

I see…
Also I believe the film is very popular among the homosexual community.

I suppose that you don’t approve of those either?
On the contrary, I approve entirely of communities. Just not homosexual ones.

Some of the other reviews on your site caught my eye. You were particularly scathing about Babe weren’t you?
Yes we were. That film depicts talking animals. What sort of moral message does that send out? These animals are clearly acting under the influence of the Devil himself. Yet children are encouraged to go and witness Satan’s puppets broadcasting his message of corruption and vice. We also don’t like Dumbo for the same reason. In fact, many Disney films spread the word of Beelzebub. The Love Bug features a car that comes to life. Is it powered by the love of Jesus Christ? We aren’t offered any evidence that this is the case so we must, unfortunately, assume that it is in fact animated purely by the power of the Lord of Darkness. I still feel an urge to pray whenever I see a Volkswagen Beetle.

Do you personally oversee the writing of the reviews that go up on your site?
I do indeed. They are written by myself and a few of my flock. I go and watch the films as soon as possible after they are released and the review is usually up the next day. Sometimes it may take longer. I had to see Basic Instinct three times just to make sure I had mentioned every single act of depravity fully. It was hard. Very hard. But I forced myself to go through with it. I couldn’t allow people to walk into that film without knowing the full facts about what the film contained.

It must have been quite a trial for you.
It was. But we must daily face temptation in our search for the love of Jesus. It’s a really bad film too.

Well that’s true. The fact that you oversee all of the reviews, and write a fair proportion of them too, has left you open to some criticism hasn’t it? For example, people have claimed that the site very much reflects your personal views.
They reflect my views certainly. But my views should be the same as any morally upstanding, God-fearing person. Don’t you agree with my views?

Well not really. No.
So when you finally take the long walk to the Gates of Heaven and Saint Peter looks down at you and asks, "What did you do with your life, my child?" What will you answer?

Well, I hadn’t really thought about it. "Ask people questions and write down their answers", I suppose.
Don’t worry, my brother. I’ll pray for you tonight. I think you’re going to need it.

How is the website funded?
We finance it through donations to the Church fund. We also have an on-line shop where we sell religious merchandise and collectibles.

Religious merchandise?
Yes. We have a wide range of products available. Holy mineral water, "I’m driving for the Lord" key rings, Illuminated Jesus Nightlights, Turin Shroud Towels, "My Friend went to the Kingdom of Heaven and all they brought me back was this Holy T-Shirt" shirts in short or long sleeved varieties. It’s a growing business. But of course all the money raised goes straight back into the Church and the website. Nobody makes a profit from it.

So are you working on the website this weekend?
No, I’m spending this weekend in my holiday home in Hawaii with my personal assistant, Trudy.

How on earth did you afford that?
Er, I won the lottery.

Goodness. God really is looking after you isn’t he?
Oh yes.

Reverend Tork, thank you.