Knowledgology: Religion to the Stars

Forget Buddhism, Kabbala, and Scientology - there's only one religion that the Hollywood A-list want to be seen to be worshiping these days - Knowledgology.

It began five years ago when the Reverend Doctor-Professor Solomon Profundis set up The Knowledge Hub, a spiritual retreat where burned out celebrities could recharge their batteries and at the same time broaden their religious horizons. Here they are introduced to the Elucidation Programme where the central philosophies of Knowledgology are explained to them. Ever since there has been a steady stream of Los Angeles great-and-good flooding through their doors. However Knowledgology does have its detractors, being variously described as "a cult" and a "bunch of alien-worshiping crackpots".

I went to The Knowledge Hub and met with the head of the Church of Knowledgology, the Reverend Doctor-Professor Solomon Profundis.

AC. Reverend Doctor-Professor - may I call you Solomon?

SP. My child, as moonbeams pierce the ionosphere, so will wisdom be the path to true enlightenment.

Ok. Erm. Was that a yes?

Yes. You may call me Solomon, as it was the label originally given to me by the maternal and paternal parental birth units.

In other words, it's your name?

It was the label originally given to me by the maternal and paternal parental birth units, yes.

Knowledgology. What is it exactly?

It's a programme of spiritual understanding and clarification in which certain scientific truths are revealed to the participant. Each participant or "client" as we prefer to call them, takes a number of different journeys or "courses" as we prefer to call them, to finally achieve enlightenment,

The use of the word "client" seems an unusual one for a religion to use. It suggests some sort of financial transaction.

Naturally there is a considerable expenditure outlay attached to running a worldwide organisation of this kind. Of course, when we run the world… Er, forgive me if we ran the world then obviously things would be different.

So you charge people to join your organisation?

No. They make donations.

So any money is given voluntarily?

Indeed. Part of the first course of spiritual enlightenment shows our clients how cleansing and rewarding it can be to give money to further the cause of knowledgology. This is further reinforced by minor electric shocks to the frontal lobes.

Electric shocks?

The ideas we are proposing are sometimes so radical that it needs a little push to get it into our client's brains.

As you say, your ideas are very radical. You believe that the pre-historic Earth was seeded with alien DNA don't you?

Indeed so. We call it the Before Time. Our forefathers set sail from the Kwanertoo Quadrant of the galaxy and spread their DNA across the face of our world. Indeed, each and every person on Earth is inhabited by the spirit of one of those extra-terrestrial pioneers.

I'd say that qualified as radical.

Most find it hard to reconcile with their image of the world at first. But after a few treatments… Er, I mean instructional induction sessions then people begin to open themselves up to the illumination of universal truth.

I read that these alien spirits talk to you. Is that true?

Indeed. My otherworldly guide is called Mr Spongo.

And Mr Spongo talks to you does he?

He informs my every decision. From the way the church is run, to the colour of my socks, he steers me. Today my socks are burnt orange. He says they bring out the colour of my eyes.

So the fact that your church has been called an "alien-worshiping cult" doesn't worry you?

My child, I'm not worried by the deluded ranting of a small number of non-believers. As light is simultaniously a particle and a wave so shall the truth be known to all.

Speaking of the truth, your title of Reverend Doctor-Professor is purely honorary isn’t it?

It is the title conferred on me as leader of the Church of Knowledgology.

But you haven't actually got a doctorate?

My title merely refers to our churches fusion of spirituality and science.

You have quite a list of followers don't you?

Our church is composed of many and varied ingredients. Like a holy trifle.

You've also attracted some big names as followers haven’t you?

Yes. I wouldn't like to discuss individual names though. The anonymity of our brethren is sacrosanct.

Except that on the front cover of this promotional leaflet entitled 'Why Knowledgology is Great", you've got a very big picture of the actor John Trevolting shaking hands with you.

Mr Trevolting has been a great support to our organisation. More then that I cannot say.

But in the picture he's wearing a badge that says "I Love Knowledgology".

One of our teachings is that one should not to leap to immediate conclusions - unless that conclusion has been authorised by our organisation. It saves on confusion.

Why do you think that so many Hollywood stars are attracted to your Church?

Because they are generally open-minded enough to recognise that there may be more to the world that remains unexplained.

So it isn't because they're a bunch of needy, emotionally stunted individuals who'll cling on to any old garbage in a desperate attempt to make themselves feel more stable?

You're making Mr Spongo angry. Mr Spongo doesn't like getting angry.

You haven't answered my question though.

I believe that Hollywood has acted as a funnel for the intellectual giants of our age. Natural selection will ensure that one day, with our help, all of humanity will be descended from the Supermen and Superwomen that inhabit Beverly Hills.

Imagine how good-looking our descendants are going to be! It will be a utopia!

So your idea of utopia is a human race with flawless skin and perfect teeth?

Everybody should have an ambition.

Solomon Profundis, thank you.