"Mmmm. Looking at this menu I’m reminded of a friend of mine who once said, "Have you ever walked into a shop and found there’s nothing you want to buy?". Oh sod it. Bring me a 'Jurassic Pork Burger' - 'Carrie rare', with 'Cronenberg's The Fry' on the side and a 'hmm that is a good five dollar shake' to swill it down and we’ll just take it from there.

You remember how I turned down an opportunity to attend the Edinburgh Film Festival? Well I’m extremely glad that I did because somebody has obviously dropped half a ton of pharmaceutical grade hallucinogens into the water judging by the stream of garbage that the invited speakers have been spewing forth to anybody who’ll listen.

One of the aforementioned speakers was Danny Boyle who proclaimed that too much lottery money was being spent on films made in London. When you’re faced with genius like that it’s hard to know what to say isn’t it? Well apart from - OF COURSE THERE ARE TOO MANY FILMS MADE IN LONDON! I’VE BEEN SAYING IT FOR YEARS YOU BLINKERED, BLOODY FOOLS!!! Ahem. So what is the Boyle solution to the problem? "More money should be given to Scotland and Manchester". AGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! That’s so wrong it beggars belief. Why? Because outside of London that’s where virtually all the rest of the money is spent anyway. Why not try and encourage film making in some other places in Britain for a change, eh? Am I talking to myself or what?

The other person at the Edinburgh Festival who appears to have not only taken leave of their senses but also had them packed into tea chests and put into long-term storage is Irvine Welsh. He was talking about the writing of his new book, a sequel to ‘Trainspotting’ that reunites the original characters from the first book. When asked about the almost inevitable film version he said that he thought that other people should take on the main roles saying, "It would be interesting to see how other people played their parts". Well done Irvine, what a brilliant suggestion. It’s good to see that all those drugs haven’t affected your higher brain functions in any way, shape or form. Twat.

In fact the only person at Edinburgh who appears to have a modicum of sense is Sean Penn. Did you hear his speech? He gave a speech that tore into Hollywood and metaphorically beat it around the head with a baseball bat. In one of his more restrained outbursts he claimed that anybody could get a studio film green lit these days, "If you are willing to put two ideas into a picture you are way ahead of the game." Then he laid into Michael Bay who directed such quality films as, ‘The Rock’, ‘Armageddon’ and ‘Pearl Harbour’ saying, "You can read about cancer or you can watch a Michael Bay picture - Those type of film makers should be sent running home screaming with rectal cancer - they don't care about the films they make, or about what is going on around them or the effect they are having on their audience." He makes me look like Cliff Richard in comparison doesn’t he? All that and he had the good sense to divorce Madonna too. Here’s to you Sean.

I suppose you’ve heard that the United Nations is to be made a UN Goodwill Ambassador. Apparently they intend to send her into flooded disaster areas where she’s going to use her lips as a life raft."