"What a blocked bowel of a week I’ve had. I was forcibly dragged to my idiot nephew’s wedding. Frankly Tristram’s IQ is so low that most of the family are surprised that he can tie his own shoelaces of a morning. So as you can imagine the announcement that he was to marry came as something of a shock. The whole day was dreadful. Her family seemed to have escaped from the ‘Planet of the Apes’, I half expected Charlton Heston to run down the aisle screaming, "Damn dirty apes!" at the top of his voice.

The food was utterly inedible. I’ve never seen chicken treated like that in my life. So anything will be a relief after that. I’ll have the Buccleugh Beef and make it snappy. That means I want it fast by the way. Not literally snapping like that Caribbean Snapper I had last week.

As if the week hadn’t already been totally ruined by witnessing the splicing of Tristram to Clothilda I also learned that ‘Bridget Jones’ Diary’ has grossed over $100 million. Quite why it’s managed to take that much money is a mystery. It just lends more fuel to my theory that you could happily make a film consisting of nothing more then Hugh Grant sitting on a chair for two hours and still have a massive box office at the end of it. In fact, I’m sure Richard Curtis is working on the screenplay even now.

Good old BBC, eh? Not content with sidelining a hugely expensive Spielberg mini-series and announcing that ‘Casualty’ is to be screened nearly all year round have you heard what their latest wheeze is? They’re going to do a film about Jeffrey Archer. Oh. Whoopie. I mean I’m as glad as the next person that the lying little runt is in prison but do we really need to give his ego any more of a boost? He’ll be rubbing his hands with glee at the thought of being the subject of a film. Still try telling the BBC that. In fact try telling the BBC anything. You’d have more success trying to get Stevie Wonder a pilot’s licence.

Where’s that wine list, waiter? I’m bloody parched over here. Oh sod it, I’ll have a gin and tonic a la Whiner. What do you mean you’ve never heard of one? The mix is legendary all over London. Oh good grief, allow me to explain. You take a tall glass. You fill it almost to the top leaving about an inch of space. No you don’t fill it with tonic yet, you idiot, that’s the gin. The tonic goes in next. Not too much! You’ll drown it! Next add two drops of lemon juice and serve. The acid test is to see if it makes your eyes water after you take your first sip. Gggggggghhhhhhhhhhhghggghgghgghgh. Perfect.

The capacity of film makers to cast entirely the wrong people in bio pics. Who can forget Val Kilmer woodening his way through ‘The Doors’? He might have looked like Jim Morrison but lacked the man’s destructive personality. Or any personality at all for that matter. The latest victim to the curse of casting idiocy is Peter Sellers. Stephen Daldry is working on a bio pic of the comedian and is reputedly desperate to cast Kevin Spacey in the lead role. No, I’ve no idea why either. Still it could be worse. The image of Val Kilmer singing ‘Ying Tong Yiddle Aye Po’ is too hideous to contemplate."