AC: Just before we move onto the strike itself I wonder if you could talk a little bit about what Equity is and what it does?

AS: Would you like me to answer this one, Daphs?

DLC: Do darling, Do. Love your hair by the way.

AS: Thanks poppetina. I’m trying a new shampoo.

DLC: Really? Which?

AS: ‘Radiance for Men’ £59.95 a bottle but the results speak for themselves.

DLC: It’s super dear. Really you.

AS: Cheers sweets.

(Long pause)

AC: Lovely.

DLC: Ades babes, he’s waiting for you to answer the question.

AS: Sorry! Miles away. Yes, Equity. Well we’re a trade union, obviously. So I suppose our role is one of support. Fair Daphs?

DLC: Absolutely, peaches. We’re here to negotiate better rates of pay and working hours for actors and performers.

AS: Negotiate, well done darls. I’d forgotten about that bit. You see if we don’t stand up for actors then who will?

DLC: Well quite.

AC: Equity does tend to have a reputation of being a bit secretive doesn’t it?

DLC: I don’t know. Does it? Would you have said that Adey baby?

AS: No. I mean, it’s not like we’re the Masons or anything is it? They’re an entirely different kettle de poisson. Apart from the initiation ceremonies we’re completely different.

AC: Er, what initiation ceremonies? I’ve never heard of them.

DLC: Oops! Let the cat out of the bag, Ades!

AS: Oh well it’s nothing exciting really. Just a simple ceremony.

DLC: And a few tests. You know, tolerance to pain that sort of thing.

AS: And a blood sacrifice.

DLC: Yes, it’s all terribly, terribly gothic. You do look so good in black, Adey.

AS: Bless you, my chiquititta. Bless you. As do you, of course.

DLC: You’re only saying it because it’s true.

AS: You go girl!

AC: If I could just interject for a moment. Are you telling me that all new members have to take part in a blood sacrifice before they’re allowed to get an Equity card?

DLC: Well of course. We don’t give them out like sweets. They have to earn them.

AS: And it’s not like it’s a human sacrifice. We use goats and chickens. And the occasional Peregrine Falcon.

AC: Which is an endangered species.

DLC: So are talented actors.

AS: Exactly. Which would you prefer, a bird that nobody ever sees except a few loonies with binoculars or a company of actors who can put on a really good production of ‘An Inspector Calls’?

DLC: Or ‘Death of a Salesman’?

AS: Ahhhh, Mr Miller really knows how to craft a play.

DLC: So true. So very true.

AC: So apart from that is there anything else that Equity does?

DLC: No.

AC: Tell me about the strike action then.

AS: Well it’s beastly isn’t it? Ghastly. What are they thinking of?

DLC: Adrian, we’ve called the strike.

AS: Oh that strike.

DLC: It’s all to do with royalties you see.

AS: Yes indeed. Film producers are getting richer and actors are getting poorer.

DLC: Super summarisation.

AS: Merci.

AC: So the basic problem is that producers get paid a sum every time they sell the broadcast or video rights for their film but actors only get a one-off payment. Is that right?

AS: I sense a nail/head interface here.

DLC: Absolutement.

AS: It’s a disgrace. However is Dame Judi supposed to make ends meet? She is a widow, you know.

DLC: Ah, Dame Judi. Have you seen her Lady Macbeth?

AC: No I must confess I haven’t.

AS: Oh you must. Superlative!

AC: But she’s not exactly starving.

AS: What the good lord gives us today he can just as easily take away tomorrow.

DLC: Indeed. To utilise a sporting metaphor, he’s a ruthless umpire.

AS: Meanwhile the film producers are getting fat.

AC: Only a few surely?

DLC: A few is still too many. Actors should get an equal share of the cake.

AS: Do you mind if we stop talking about food? I’m on the fifth week of my diet.

DLC: Slim Fast plan?

AS: No it’s a Chinese diet which works along the same principles as Feng Shui. As long as I don’t eat any carbohydrate while I’m facing north then my Chi stays in balance and I lose weight. Simple eh?

AC: Well that’s one word for it.

DLC: Did I detect a note of sarcasm?

AS: A note? I detected an entire symphony!

AC: So the action you’ve called means that actors shouldn’t accept any film roles after December 1st. What if that doesn’t have any effect?

DLC: Then we shall simply up the ante!

AS: Tally ho Daphs!

AC: And what will that involve exactly?

DLC: We’re going to get really tough.

AS: Frighteningly so.

DLC: Brave heart, Adey-pops.

AS: Right back at you, Daph.

AC: Er, you still haven’t told me what you’ll do.

DLC: We shall take to the streets!

AC: What? You mean a demonstration?

AS: No. Street theatre.

AC: Street theatre?

DLC: We’ll bring the country to it’s knees.

AC: By using street theatre?

DLC: Oh yes. Imagine the chaos. People won’t be able to move for jugglers, mime artists, performance poets…

AS: Shopping centres will be clogged by people doing one-man versions of ‘Moby Dick’. David Jason is working on his whale costume even now.

DLC: Patrick Stewart is going to fly across London in a hot air balloon reading passages from Richard Burton’s autobiography through a megaphone.

AS: Alan Rickman is going to storm the BBC television newsroom in character as Richard III.

DLC: We’re going to occupy the public galleries of the House of Commons and put on panto 24 hours a day.

AS: Helena Bonham-Carter will be performing a selection of songs from ‘Annie’ around the streets of Sheffield.

DLC: Lynne Redgrave, Peter O’Toole, Paul Schofield and Martine McCutcheon will be doing a ‘Celebrity Stars in their Eyes’ in Leeds. O’Toole’s Jason Donovan is definitive in my opinion.

AS: It’ll make the petrol crisis look like a little girl’s tea party.

AC: Er, right. Well. Good luck.

Talks over the Equity strike are continuing.