The family are awakened by a knock at the door. Who’s there? Why it’s Father Christmas! This year he’s being played by Richard Attenborough with Haley Joel Osment as his little elf helper. Last year’s Santa Claus, Pete Postlethwaite is unavailable as he’s starring in a production of ‘An Inspector Calls’ at the Bridlington Empire. Richard Attenborough is insisting on playing Santa with a Scottish accent.

RICHARD
Ho ho ho! I’ve brought some wee gifts.

STEVEN
That’s great Richard! How are you Haley?

HALEY
(Unnaturally calm) I see presents. Everywhere.

9.00 AM

Presents are exchanged. Steven’s wife, actress Kate Capshaw has bought him a new baseball cap and some socks. He gives her a signed copy of ‘Close Encounters of the Third Kind’ on DVD. He has also arranged for all the negatives of her disastrous 1986 teenage science fiction film ‘Space Camp’ to be destroyed and the ashes buried at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.

All the Spielberg children have been given a new X-Box games system courtesy of Microsoft. The telephone rings. It’s Bill Gates.

BILL GATES
Have they opened them yet?

STEVEN
Yes Bill, they love them!

BILL GATES
I’ll come over tomorrow to show them how to use them.

STEVEN
That’s great Bill!

10.00 AM

Kate Capshaw watches as Marco Pierre White starts stuffing the turkey. Steven has had him flown in specially.

11.00 AM

Steven’s old pals from film school, George Lucas and Francis Ford Coppola arrive. George has brought a rough-cut of ‘Star Wars: Episode II’ to show them. It’s the fourth different cut he’s produced this week. Francis has sat through one screening of the film already today — he’s looking a little harassed. He mutters something about "Goddamned Avids" under his breath.

11.15 AM

The telephone rings. It’s President Bush.

PRESIDENT BUSH
I just wanted to telephonate and expressify my seasonal good wishment to you all.

STEVEN
That’s great Mr President!

12.00

George Lucas screens the ‘Star Wars’ rough cut.

STEVEN
Are you sure you need the scene where Jar Jar Binks slips and falls into the pile of Bantha droppings?

GEORGE
Yes. It’s a recurring theme that I’ll come back to in Episode III.

STEVEN
That’s great George!

1.00 PM

Marco serves the turkey. George Lucas cracks his one and only joke.

GEORGE
I wish I’d cooked ‘Howard the Duck’!

FRANCIS
(Under breath) Every goddamn year!

RICHARD
Jings! Crivens! What a beastie!

STEVEN
That’s great Marco!

2.00 PM

After dinner mints are served. George and Francis are arguing over who originally came up with the idea for ‘Apocalypse Now’. The telephone rings. It’s Richard Dreyfuss.

RICHARD DREYFUSS
My career is going nowhere. You’ve got to cast me in your next movie! I can’t do any more rubbish like ‘Mr Holland’s Opus’!

STEVEN
I thought it was great Richard!

RICHARD DREYFUSS
Er, have you got Sam Mendes’ phone number?

3.30 PM

Steven screens ‘ET: The Special Edition’ for his guests. He and George Lucas discuss the software Industrial Light and Magic used for the new computer enhanced effects sequences. Francis finally snaps.

FRANCIS
What the hell are you guys?! Film makers? Or computer salesmen?

5.00 PM

To try and calm the tension Steven suggests they play some board games. They decide to play Scrabble. George has some difficulty grasping the rules.

STEVEN
Er, I don’t think "Jedi" is actually in the dictionary yet George.

GEORGE
Are you sure?

KATE
(Checking dictionary) Er, he’s right honey. It’s in there.

STEVEN
That’s great George!

HALEY
Does "disconcerting" have one S or two?

7.00 PM

Francis has left. He stormed out after George got a triple word score for "Skywalker". George has to go too. He’s just thought of some changes he can make to the rough cut of ‘Episode II’.

8.00 PM

The Richard Attenborough, Haley Joel Osment and the Spielberg’s settle down to watch the Christmas film on TV. They’re showing ‘It’s a Wonderful Life!’. Again.

KATE
You know who’d be good in a remake of this?

STEVEN
No. Who?

KATE
Richard Dreyfuss.

STEVEN
That’s a great idea honey!

RICHARD
Do you know what’s wrong with the chap playing the angel?

STEVEN
No. What?

RICHARD
He really should be Scottish.

STEVEN
That’s great Richard!

HALEY
I see remakes. Everywhere.

Steven Spielberg’s ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ starring Richard Dreyfuss, Kate Capshaw and Richard Attenborough as the Angel enters production early next year. Haley Joel Osment makes a cameo appearance as "Disconcerting boy".